I was pulled aside by a lawyer after another successful settlement at mediation and informed that “We have been trying to settle this case since 2020 and you have just settled in four hours!” As much as I would like to believe that I am a miracle worker, I am not, it is simply a mediation process.
Mediation involves three sides to the story, the mother’s side, the father’s side, and of course, the truth itself.
I begin most of mediation sessions with clearing the air. We address the elephant in the room through an active listening exercise designed by the renowned psychologist John Gottman. Instead of trying to explain or be defensive, the other party should simply reflect back what they have heard on the other party’s behalf.
When people are not only listened to, but actually heard, the ice melts.
This is not an exercise about agreeing or being right, it is merely the time to express what went on for you and have that heard and acknowledged by the other parent. It really highlights how in some cases it doesn’t matter whether one party is at fault or not, it is merely that they both perceive the situation differently.
Once the air is cleared, I find that most parents are willing to listen to why the other parent thinks a certain arrangement is good for the kids. Then parents can move on to decisions that need to be made, where the children live and how they spend time with the other parent.
You can try this technique when someone brings an issue to you next. Maybe it’s a work colleague, your partner or even your child. Listen, reflect back to them what you have heard, clarify that you have received their message correctly and then proceed. When people are listened to and actually heard conflict dissipates.
